The Smurfs are stuck firmly between a New York train’s doors – and strangely much sharper than the humans despite being behind the same murky glass – in this poster for their 3D big screen adaptation. It might look cute and mischievous at first, but in all likelihood, as soon as the train began moving they’d probably get crushed by the walls of the tunnels. That’s right, kids, your favourite animated characters would be nothing more than a splatter of blood and fur on a concrete wall.
2011 may be remembered for several great things in the world of cinema. Motion capture technology is finally being applauded by those who have criticised it in the past, Woody Allen’s newest release has been critically approved ‘not shit’ for the first time in years and James Cameron’s Avatar was beaten out in the Chinese box office by an Asian 3D pornography movie. However, if there’s one thing we’ll want to erase from our memories it will be the plethora of horrific movie posters that have emerged these last nine months. From writing all over the faces of trendy movie stars to breaking up film titles into disjointed blocks in order to show how offbeat and quirky the movie’s going to be, it has been difficult to walk into your local cinema without wanting to vomit up your own soul. Here are the five worst that we’ve seen this year:
Actually… Maybe this poster isn’t so bad after all.
04) Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes
Check out Caesar throwing some black power gang signs in this poster for Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes. But, you know what, while all this primate uprising does look a little dumb, there’s one clear indication in the poster that the film is going to deliver on the action: It’s got the token helicopter in the background!
03) Machine Gun Preacher
Some beefed up white dude comes to save all the poor defenceless – and apparently legless?! – African kids in this Machine Gun Preacher poster. It’s actually a seriously serious film about serious issues that is hoping to be a serious Oscar contender. But, along with that title, the unknowing moviegoer would be right in thinking it’s some trashy B-movie.
Also, if hope is the greatest weapon of all, why even bother with a machine gun? Psh.
Guys, if Taylor Lautner was abducted in this poster for his upcoming action film then can someone please explain to me why he’s sliding down a building? And if he is escaping shouldn’t the poster therefore come with a spoiler alert? Plus, how on Earth is he sliding down a building anyway?! That completely defies the laws of gravity! And he looks so chilled about it too. Surely, a building with such grand design must be at least a few stories high and unless there’s water at the bottom – which seems unlikely given the location of the buildings surrounding it – that means our favourite teen wolf is sliding down to inevitable death. Let’s not even mention the fact that he’s free of cuts and scrapes despite having shards of glass flying up at him!
Oh, and what’s this?
There’s that token action movie helicopter again!
01) X-Men: First Class
I quite honestly don’t know where to begin with these. Demonstrating a level of Photoshop skill that could be rivalled by someone with, well, no hands, the X-Men: First Class posters are jaw-droppingly hideous. They’re so shocking, in fact, that they actually manage to make you dislike the movie, despite it being one of the best releases of the summer!