At the start of every year you can throw a rock into the internet and find yourself hitting half a dozen “Most Anticipated Movies” lists. But you never see anyone take on the role of cinematic guardian, protecting people from the biggest, dirtiest turkeys set to take flight over the next 365 days. Well you didnt until now that is, because I am a kind soul who like Batman wants to protect the innocent and strike down wrong doers. I have compiled a filthy list of 28 movies set to stink out the theatre this year, read through carefully and memorise them, for when the time comes you will want to dodge these horrors at all costs.
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island
What Is It Exactly? – A sequel to the 2008 Erik Brevig movie Journey To The Centre Of The Earth
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s a sequel to a terrible kids action movie, furthermore they replaced Brendan Fraser with The Rock if thats not a sign of its impending awfulness I dont know what is!
What Is It Exactly? – Rachel McAdams loses her memory and her husband Channing Tatum attempts to win hert back.
Reasons To Avoid It – It sounds like formulaic, paint by numbers, schmaltzy bullshit and theres enough of that already, next!
What Is It Exactly? – Joseph Gordon-Levitt is a bike messenger who picks up a parcel that belongs to a bad man played by Michael Shannon, the bad man wants it back and chases after Joseph a lot.
Reasons To Avoid It – Normally Joseph GL and Michael Shannon would be a reason for me to check a movie out, but seriously how exciting can a bike messenger movie be? Whats next Scooter shoot Out? Pedestrian Beatdown?
This Means War
What Is It Exactly? – Tom Hardy and Chris Pine are CIA agents who are fighting over Resse Witherspoon and her MASSIVE chin!
Reasons To Avoid It? – It sounds like a totally disposal concept and another hollow, vague attempt at mixing action, comedy and romance. Been there, seen it, got bored of it years ago.
What Is It Exactly? – Three sad losers throw a party that gets out of hand and for some reason somebody is filming the whole thing.
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s the kind of trite, rehashed, stereotypical nonsense that Frat boys will no doubt jerk each other off too.
What Is It Exactly? – Amanda “googly eyes” Seyfried’s sister is kidnapped and Amanda thinks that a serial killer who kidnapped her two years ago is back, but wants her sister instead.
Reasons To Avoid It – See above, seriously the description says it all.
What Is It Exactly? – Civil War vet John Carter is transported to Mars where he is held prisoner by sketchy looking CGI aliens. Fights for freedom, realises life on earth is shitty.
Reasons To Avoid It – It looks awful, I mean slowly drowning in a cesspool for a fortnight awful. No you dont understand me..I mean like The Phantom Menace and The Scorpion King meshed together awful.
What Is It Exactly? – Tarsem Singh’s take on Snow White
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s got more hammy acting than you can shake Nic Cages wig at and it’s so camp that it makes shopping with Perez Hilton look like bare knuckle boxing with sharks.
Wrath of the Titans
What Is It Exactly? – A sequel to the Clash of the Titans remake.
Reasons To Avoid It – IT’S A SEQUEL TO THE CLASH OF THE TITANS REMAKE!!!
A Thousand Words
What Is It Exactly? – A movie in which a tree loses a leaf every time Eddy Murphy speaks.
Reasons To Avoid – A tree gives a more compelling and comedic performance than Eddie Muphy.
What Is It Exactly? – A movie based on the board game Battleships
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s an action movie based on a board game, plus it has Taylor Kitsch in it
Men In Black 3
What Is It Exactly? – Big Willie Smith and Tommy Lee Jones fight aliens again.
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s the third installment in a franchise thats exciting as a bin bag full of socks.
GI Joe Retaliation
What Is It Exactly? – The next GI Joe movie which see’s The Rock and a bunch of other muscle bound f**k trumpets straddle men, ninjas, sharks, plastic dolls and hopefully the person who green-lit this movie.
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s a movie based on GI Joe, directed by the guy who made the Justin Bieber movie and it stars The Rock.
The Expendables 2
What Is It Exactly? – The second movie in which Sly Stallone and a bunch of old action has beens are cut out of their straight to DVD contracts. So to get over it they grapple with men, shoot big guns and find other homoerotic ways to compensate for their short comings.
Reasons To Avoid It – The first one was shit and with this being branded a PG – 13 it looks to be even worse.
What Is It Exactly? – A Dr Seuss movie about an orange creature with an old timey moustache
Reasons To Avoid It – It looks like a dangerous combination of LSD, Adrenaline and Sugar spliced with bad animation and projected into your brain like a nightmarish loop of colour and noise.
21 Jump Street
What Is It Exactly? – A schlocky, poorly put together “comedy” which sees Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum go back to high school as a pair of undercover cops.
Reasons To Avoid It – It looks painfully unfunny and stupid, nuff said.
One For The Money
What Is It Exactly? – A crime comedy in which Katherine Heigel is a bail bonds woman who is chasing down an old flame.
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s a Katherine Heigel film.
The Three Stooges
What Is It Exactly? – A movie remake of the goofball comedy
Reasons To Avoid It – Words cant describe, the trailer gaves you more reasons than I could ever write.
Scary Movie 5
What Is Exactly? – The first Scary Movie film in six years
Reasons To Avoid It – Scary Movie has never been funny I doubt things are going to change five movies in
What To Expect When Your Expecting
What Is It Exactly? – A “comedy” drama based on a book made for pregnant women.
Reasons To Avoid It – ITS A MOVIE BASED ON A BOOK MADE FOR PREGNANT WOMEN! Even if you are a pregnant woman, why would you want to watch this bucket of crud?!
Rock of Ages
What Is It Exactly? – A romantic movie set to the sounds of 80’s rock, which see’s Tom Cruise declare his love for L.Ron Hubbard whilst wailing in tight leather trousers and hair extensions.
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s Tom Cruise in a movie about hair metal and handjobs…probably.
Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter
What Is It Exactly? – Abe Lincoln whips his beard back and forth as he slays vampires
Reasons To Avoid It – It sounds like a real cheap, uninspired, blotchy mess and the idea of sticking a historical figure in a horror genre is neither new, original or interesting anymore.
What Is It Exactly? – A remake of the cult 80’s Arnold Schwarzenegger movie
Reasons To Avoid It – It stars Colin and Farrell and is written by Mark Bomback, his last remake was The Race To Witch Mountain.
What Is It Exactly? – A gothic horror directed by Tim Burton that stars Johnny Depp
Reasons To Avoid It – It’s yet another gothic movie by Tim Burton starring Johnny Depp, if somebody, anybody has an original idea please, please, please give it to Tim Burton god knows he needs one.
Paranormal Activity 4
What Is It Exactly? – The fourth in a series of cheap, flakey hidden footage horror films
Reasons To Avoid It – This franchise has always been flimsy, predictable and boring I severely doubt there gonna break the habit this time round.
Twilight – Breaking Dawn Part 2
What Is It Exactly? – The final part in the depressed girl with no emotional scale or acting ability cant chose between two douche-bags so acts like a narcissistic, vacuous bitch saga.
Reasons To Avoid It – I cant even begin to list them in full but heres a few of the key ones,so far in this series the writing is some of the worst known to man, the characters are stale, boring and go nowhere. It’s vapid, rancid and full of so many mixed messages it is a soul, spirit and brain destroying cancer to mankind and must be stopped.
What Is It Exactly? – A remake of an 1980’s movie that couldn’t be more paranoid about Communism if it’s phone had been hacked by Chairman Mao.
Reasons To Avoid It – The original was a whole new breed of shitty movie, which means the remake will inevitably be unwatchable.
Here Comes The Boom
What Is Exactly? – Kevin James is a high school teacher who becomes a mixed martial artist to save his schools music program. No really thats what the movie is actually about, im not kidding.
Reasons To Avoid – HAVE YOU READ THE DESCRIPTION ABOVE. Also not that you need any other reason to avoid it but bear in mind it stars Kevin James, the only place he belongs is on an assassins hit list