Single on Valentine’s Day? Well, don’t worry, all is not lost. Here at Screen Invasion we’ve complied eight pieces of the finest dating advice to ensure you have a hot new partner wrapped around your arms by the end of the night with thanks to the source of all romantic knowledge in this universe: Hollywood. Let’s take a look at how you can turn your evening of Domino’s takeaway and DVD rentals into a dreamy night with your ideal partner:
01) Not cool enough for the popular crowd? Date a bad boy and loosen the hell up.
None of the popular crowd want to date you? They think you’re too boring, too un-cool? Well, look no further than Kat’s guidance in 10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU which shows how the solution to your problems is both simple and close at hand.
And that hand is probably wearing handcuffs.
Kat cared about her future, aspired for great things and even READ BOOKS OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL. I mean, talk about needing to loosen up, right?
Fortunately, she was saved and finally managed to let herself go by falling for a troublemaking student played by Heath Ledger who, earlier in the film, is shown attacking another boy with an electrical tool for attempting to talk to him.
But, hey, it’s precisely that devil-may-care attitude that enables Kat to learn that such actions as getting embarrassingly drunk at a party and going home with a strange boy aren’t the end of the world; a code of ethics that both teen movies and date rapists swear by.
However, be warned, in real life these bizarre guys who want to drive you home may not always look like Heath Ledger.
02) If you are a single parent, let your kids set you up.
Arguably, there is nobody on Valentine’s Day who has it quite as rough as the single parents of young children. While others are swept away on romantic dates, snuggling in the arms of their partner in front of a romantic movie or devouring a delicious gourmet meal, it’s these single parents who will instead be stuck at home looking over maths homework and doing the chores.
But if Hollywood are the authority on romance, then you don’t have to worry; you’re young son or daughter can set you up on a fabulous date! You may just happen to be the ideal match for their brand new primary school teacher or maybe their best friend’s Dad has recently undergone a traumatic divorce!
Sure, they may trick you into thinking their knowledge of the other sex hasn’t expanded past the belief that girls have herpies and boys smell or that they don’t understand the important factors of what constitutes attraction e.g. good facial hair or big boobs. But that’s all just a ploy; they are actually the masters of matchmaking. Just look at Lindsay Lohan in THE PARENT TRAP or Thomas Sangser in LOVE ACTUALLY.
03) Don’t judge a book by its cover. That odd, bearded man who looks like he was born to play a peadophile in a PSA is probably a nice guy.
Can’t find a date for Valentine’s Day? Well, don’t overlook that strange guy who lives in the old, derelict, rotten house at the end of your neighbourhood.
He may look like a violent, semi-psychotic stalker with a list of mental health problems as long as Reece Witherspoon’s chin at first, but if Hollywood know their romance, then he’s probably a nice guy under the surface!
Just take Adam Sandler’s classic PUNCH DRUNK LOVE. The guy is obsessed with buying coupons, prone to bipolar emotional states and refuses to take off his blue suit, but really he’s just a sensitive, good-hearted and achingly misunderstood human being.
The message here is not to judge a book by its cover. Even if, in the case of Charles Manson, the cover sometimes contains valuable information, you might be missing out on the date of your life.
05) Trying to pull on Valentine’s Day and not sure what to wear? We have one simple solution!
On a Valentine’s night out this evening, fellas? Not sure what to wear? Well, look no further than DIRTY DANCING for the answer. Because, as the film portrays, if you can dance in black leather pants you don’t need a whole lot else.
06) Find somewhere unique to pick up a hot date.
But maybe you don’t want to go to the predictable nightclub or bar spots to pick up a date? After all, it’s going to be flustered with great-looking people all after the same thing. So where the hell do you go instead?
Well, let me introduce you to both Enoch and Annabel from RESTLESS and Harold and Maude from, um, HAROLD AND MAUDE who prove that you should never discount funerals as a trendy place to pick up a hot date.
07) The love of your life doesn’t feel the same about you? Stop being ‘you’!
We’ve all been there: that horrible moment when you confess your undying love to someone and they simply just do not feel the same. Well, instead of spending hours pouring your heart out trying to accept the fact that you didn’t mean as much to your crush as they mean to you, there’s actually a simple answer to your problem:
According to the movies, it’s probably because you dress in clothing that reflects your individuality, style and personal attitude towards life. So, all you need to do to win the one that you love is trash any evidence of your personality and transform yourself into whatever you think your crush would want!
Like how Sandy reinvents herself as a chain-smoking slut who wears clothes that appear to be made out of pillowcases in GREASE because she think John Travolta may prefer it or how he in turn changes from a greasy haired jock into, um, a greasy haired jock in a jumper, you need to start treating love more like a witness relocation program if you truly want to capture your crush’s heart.
08) Your date not what you expected? Change ’em.
On the flip side, many of us know how it feels to have to kindly let down someone who is after your heart. But if SHE’S ALL THAT is truly ‘all that’ then you don’t have to!
Similar to how Zach spends the film remaking his quirky, artistic classmate into the kind of girl that he and his friends can approve of, why not just mould your embarrassing potential partner into what you really want in a date!
Basically, what we’re saying is; if you can’t find a partner you like right away, just create one to suit you from scratch.