Movies

Oscars Invasion: Academy Awards Live-Blog

Welcome to the Oscars Invasion, our Academy Awards Live-Blog! Stay tuned for all of the snark and commentary. View all of our Oscar posts here so you can be prepared for the Oscars Invasion.

Follow along with the invasion on Twitter by adding the following hash tag to your tweets – #OscarsInvasion

In the meantime, here is a Seth MacFarlane promo for the Oscars:

 

Hey y’all. I’m here. Already three drinks deep and one Steven Seagal film down (as a warning, don’t watch MAXIMUM CONVICTION. It kinda sucks). Six thirty’s going to be the official kick-off time for this little shindig as I think waiting until it goes live on ABC is the way to go. So kick back, make a few beverages and I’ll meet you back here at Screen Invasion for some serious Oscar insanity. [JQK]

Little fact about me: my Twitter background is now the Japanese poster for the 1974 Peter Hyams cop flick, BUSTING. Young, sleazy Elliot Gould and a super badass Robert Blake. Seek it out on Netflix Instant after the awards for some cynical ’70s cinema. [JQK]

Q. Wallis in a remake of ANNIE? Can’t wait to see the racism leveled at that one. [JQK]

I still can’t believe that Brad “SESSION 9” Anderson directed THE CALL. C’mon man, you can do better. [JQK]

It’s really a shame The Master wasn’t nominated for best cinematography. 70mm photography at its best. [JQK]

I’m actually calling Seth MacFarlane being legit funny and entertaining tonight. Fuck the hate. Ted was great, and it’s better than Billy Crystal recycling the same, bland, pandering bullshit. [JQK]

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I prefer Bryce Dallas Howard to Jessica Chastain in terms of beauty. Discuss. [JQK]

Wait…is that sidler Chastain’s mom? [JQK]

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Good God, Amy Adams. I’ve loved you since TALLADEGA NIGHTS. [JQK]

Channing Tatum looks like a Secret Service trainee. [JQK]

Most annoying interview thus far: Q. Wallis. Seacrest is talking to her like she doesn’t know how to spell. [JQK]

Switching to ABC now, y’all. I can’t take this E! bullshit anymore. [JQK]

Wait, my wife just grabbed the remote and Jackie Weaver is talking about how none of the diamonds are hers. Can Seacrest ask her how she even got nominated as she has like three lines in Silver Linings Playbook? [JQK]

BRYAN CRANSTON JUST STABBED EIGHT PEOPLE! I LOVE YOU! [JQK]

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Speaking of love, Jennifer Lawrence arrives with, “I’m hungry”. [JQK]

Someone create a fake “Daniel Day-Lewis tweeting as Lincoln account”, STAT [JQK]

“Who are your wearing?” “Your Ex-Wife’s face.” “Thank you, Melissa McCarthy, back to the wind tunnel from which you emerged.” [JQK]

85th Annual Academy Awards - Arrivals

Charlize done bested Anne Hathaway’s pixie cut, y’all. [JQK]

Movies we won’t see at the next Oscars: Jack the Giant Killer. Christ. [JQK]

Jennifer Hudson, how does it feel to be a walking definition of “one hit wonder”? [JQK]

This just in: Catherine Zeta Jones hates fat chicks. [JQK]

Poll: which Mondo poster drops first tonight? Which ones haven’t been announced yet? I want a DJANGO UNCHAINED print in the worst way. [JQK]

We should all be so lucky to speak as Christoph Waltz does. [JQK]

Who dressed Jane Fonda like the Chiquita Banana Lady’s dildo? [JQK]

ABC doing “Oscar road trip”. Back to E! [JQK]

How much animal fat is in Bradley Cooper’s hair right now? [JQK]

DEAD AIR! DEAD AIR! MUST FILL DEAD AIR! [JQK]

ABC now has exclusive rights to Oscar coverage. Tune your TVs y’all. [JQK]

BRADLEY COOPER’S A RAPIST! I ALWAYS KNEW HE WAS AN ALPHA BETA!!!!! LEAVE KRISTEN CHENOWETH ALONE! [JQK]

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Anne Hathaway’s dress is a psychotic sheet of nightmare pudding. [JQK]

Kristen Chenoweth’s squeaky theater voice needs to be stopped. [JQK]

All pics thus far have come via this tumblr. [JQK]

It’s weird to say that E! is better than anyone at anything, but E! is away better than ABC at red carpet shit. [JQK]

Seventeen minutes until I actually have something to talk about that’s interesting. [JQK]

Jamie Foxx’s daughter is gorgeous. [JQK]

That’s Arthur Miller’s daughter standing next to DDL. You’re welcome.  [JQK]

5 Vodkas in. [JQK]

Thank god the Red Carpet’s over. [JQK]

And…here…we…go! [JQK]

The theme tonight is “music in film”…also “who saw Argo?” Oh shit, we’re fucked. [JQK]

First “Affleck Snubbed” joke. Drink. [JQK]

Seth MacFarlane is killing. Quentin’s black. Mel Gibson likes the ‘N word’. Chris Brown. [JQK]

Here comes the first offensive song. After a Shatner as Kirk appearance. YES!!!!!!! [JQK]

So many people hating on “we saw your boobs” on Twitter. Lighten up dickheads. [JQK]

Channing Tatum dancing opposite Charlize Theron is a mental erection. [JQK]

A sock puppet just did blow. Followed by JGL singing. OK…I’m with this. [JQK]

“I have a bottle and some Boniva”. I’ve used this line before. At the Y. [JQK]

Best Supporting Actor goes to… [JQK]

Calling De Niro here. [JQK]

Lincoln is the only film nominated for multiple awards that I haven’t re-watched yet. [JQK]

WALTZ! CHRISTOPH WALTZ! FUCK YES! [JQK]

DJANGO UNCHAINED was my favorite movie from last year that wasn’t titled MIAMI CONNECTION. [JQK]

Maybe this night won’t suck after all. [JQK]

Spike Lee just spiked a bowl of cheese dip against the wall. [JQK]

Who’s lying and saying Melissa McCarthy looks great right now and not like the female Kevin James crossed with a Sopranos wife? [JQK]

Paperman wins Best Animated Short…surprising no one. [JQK]

Best Animated Feature goes to… [JQK]

Brave? Really? [JQK]

How much Disney money just bought that award? [JQK]

Oh look a clip for LES MIS. Which is nominated for Best Picture. And is utter dogshit. [JQK]

Beasts of the Southern Wild is so good. I just teared up and forgot Les Mis exists (thank God). [JQK]

Renner still looks like he doesn’t know why he’s part of The Avengers. [JQK]

Achievement in Cinematography goes to… [JQK]

Claudio Mirando, Life of Pi. Kind of a shocker. But points toward Lee winning Best Director, right? [JQK]

I hate it when they play winners off the stage. And with the Jaws theme? Really? [JQK]

Costume design goes to Anna Karenina. Well deserved. [JQK]

Makeup & Hair goes to Les Mis. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. [JQK]

Also — why was Hitchcock even nominated. That movie blows in all aspects. [JQK]

Gimme dat Bond. Where’s Phil Nobile, Jr.? [JQK]

Shirley Bassey gonna sing. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyyyyy God. [JQK]

Cue Adele y’all! [JQK]

John Barry is God. [JQK]

“Bassey shoulda sang ‘Diamonds are Forever'” — douchey hipsters everywhere [JQK]

Best Lice-Action Short goes to… [JQK]

Curfew — Director — Sean Christensen [JQK]

Best Documentary Short goes to…Inocente [JQK]

Liam Neeson introduces the majority of the Best Picture Noms that are actually good. [JQK]

Zero Dark Thirty and Django Unchained are the two most important American films of 2012 (Holy Motors was the best). Neither will be honored as they should be. I just thought you all should know what I think. [JQK]

Best Doc Feature foes to Searching for Sugarman. Damn good, but I would’ve picked How to Survive a Plague. [JQK]

#YouveBeenJawsed is now a thing on Twitter. [JQK]

Best Foreign Language Film is a fucking forgone conclusion… [JQK]

Amour. No shit. I hated this film with the fury of a thousand flames. [JQK]

But I’ve never connected to any of Haneke’s films, so I admit it wasn’t for me. [JQK]

John Travolta just mispronounced like eight easy names and then Les Miserables. Hero. [JQK]

Where’s Rob Lowe? [JQK]

Jennifer Hudson is just so happy to be on stage again. Bring on Bob Fosse’s re-animated corpse. [JQK]

Tom Hooper — take note. No close-ups during a musical number. #LesMis [JQK]

More movies that won’t be at next year’s Oscars: Oz, the Great and Powerful. [JQK]

I just took off my pants. [JQK]

Obligatory Ted appearance. [JQK]

Best Sound Mixing goes to…Les Mis. I guess? [JQK]

Sound Editing is…a tie? Zero Dark Thirty and…[JQK]

Skyfall? Wait…what? Is there actually a tie? What the fuck? [JQK]

This just in…Christopher Plummer has died on stage presenting Best Supporting Actress. [JQK]

Anne Hathaway wins…duh. [JQK]

Guess Anne Hathaway forgot to thank her first man…who’s in jail. [JQK]

To quote Matt Singer (again): “UNLEASH THE SHARK!” [JQK]

“Who are these people?” — My Lovely Wife [JQK]

Best Editing goes to…(*please say Zero Dark Thirty*)… [JQK]

Argo. Blurgh. [JQK]

Jennifer Lawrence’s awkward into to Adele singing “Skyfall”. [JQK]

Of all the moments to fuck up your live sound mix. [JQK]

Remember when Django Unchained came out and people complained about the “Instagram flashbacks”? Yeah, I know. They shouldn’t watch movies. [JQK]

Lincoln for Production Design. [JQK]

Honorary Something Award. [JQK]

9 Vodkas In. 1 Pizza and Sight In One Eyeball Down. [JQK]

“In Memoriam” section. Emmanuelle Riva it’s not too late! [JQK]

It’s weird to see Tony Scott and Adam Yauch and Carlo Rambaldi’s names during the “In Memoriam” section. They helped shaped how I saw film at a formative age and actually hurts to know they’re gone. [JQK]

Rex Reed hates fat chicks joke ensures I love MacFarlane tonight. [JQK]

Life of Pi wins Best Original Score. [JQK]

Whoever was in charge of sound during this broadcast should get fired. So many dead spots during musical numbers. [JQK]

Adele for Best Song — “Skyfall”. [JQK]

Adele is so cool, by the way. [JQK]

Twitter explodes into a hail or terrible “Adele is fat” jokes. In other news — fuck Twitter. [JQK]

Best Adapted Screenplay. Should be Kushner… [JQK]

Winner: Chris Terrio — Argo.

Best Original Screenplay…should be Tarantino. Won’t be though. [JQK]

Winner: Tarantino. Django UnchainedI’m wrong. Thank God. [JQK]

Best Director? Ang Lee, I’m guessing. [JQK]

Winner — Ang Lee, Life of Pi [JQK]

Best Actress goes to…Jennifer Lawrence…right? [JQK]

Yup. Jennifer Lawrence for SLP. And she falls going up the stairs. [JQK]

What was that typing noise behind Steep? [JQK]

Streep didn’t even open the envelope. DDL wins for The Truman Show. [JQK]

Also, shouldn’t there have been a SPOILER ALERT before that Flight clip? [JQK]

Dude, Affleck’s speech. Dude. Alright. I love you. Goodnight. [JQK]

FLOTUS in the house. Sorta. [JQK]

Oscar for BP goes to — Argo. *Shrug* [JQK]

It’s not that Argo isn’t a good film, mind you, it’s just that, when stack up next to things like Holy MotorsThe MasterDjango Unchained, and Lincolnit feels small. Still…congrats. [JQK]

Alright…Affleck’s speech was incredible. Great closing. Goodnight y’all. [JQK]

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The Author

Jacob Knight

Jacob Knight

Jacob Knight is a screenwriter, novelist and journalist from Slotter, Mass. He is most times fueled by scotch, horror films and the Criterion Collection. He currently resides in Philadelphia, PA with his wife and cantankerous Westie pup.