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Prepare Yourself: Professional Farmer 2014 Launch Trailer

You spend all day shucking hay bales and milking cows. Maybe you hacked the head off a chicken for dinner. You built this farm with the sweat from your brow, your own two hands digging into the musty earth that you tilled. Your family stands behind you, loving and proud of your accomplishments. The earth is good to you this year.

Your entire life is a lie. You thought you were safe in 2013. That was then. This is now.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the farmhouse, MOTHERFUCKING PROFESSIONAL FARMER 2014 is coming in just 6 days! Get your horse and cart and go on down to Gamestop and GANK this shit. Let nothing stop you! Destroy all enemies! You can’t even go to Gamestop and get this because it doesn’t even exist there. It’s only in the empty void known as the Steam.


This is big. This is going to change everything.



Dare to take a look at these features:

  • 4 seasons. Yes, Quad-Core Seasons.
  • Animal husbandry. Grow them, shape them, lead them into battle against the elements.
  • Hi-tech GUI interfaces. IPAD 5, u jelly?!
  • Tractors.
  • More Tractors.
  • Guess what? MACHINES. What are those? WHO KNOWS.
  • “Many tractors and machinery” NO PUNCTUATION NECESSARY.
  • Tractors with authentic handling reaching blistering speeds of 23 KPH.
  • Tractors.
  • Texture pop-in to always keep you on the edge. You never know what’s coming.
  • Campaign Mode. Slay your enemies in an open world sandbox and dirtbox.
  • Start your “carreer” and show spelling errors no mercy.
  • Repent and beg for forgiveness. Weep, mortals.
professional farmer 2014

I know it looks idyllic and quaintly charming. Hell, even the graphics are a reminder of days long past. But expect only the most hardcore shucking, planting, slow driving, and harvesting of souls that you could ever imagine. You may not survive. I don’t know if I can take this anymore. Professional Farmer 2014 is destined to dominate that, well, weird market of European games about doing completely ordinary things in completely ordinary ways. Is this fun? Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?

Professional Farmer 2014 drops the bombs and ends it all on November 28th for $19.99 (or $29.99 for the Collector’s Edition) on Steam. Make your choice. Accept the consequences.

Oh, and by the way, the Xbox One came out today. Here’s a big Reddit rundown. Yawn.

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The Author

Carl Wilhoyte

Carl Wilhoyte

Carl Wilhoyte is the Video Games Editor of a class warrior poet who writes about all things video games. He's sure everything is not under control and is not going to be okay. For a good time, follow his angry rants and smart thoughts on Twitter: @carlwilhoyte.